Monday, November 14, 2011

My Shell

I have this never ending feeling like there is something wrong with me. I am not sure if I am the only one who feels this way or not, but I know I do. It may be hard to explain, but I'll give it a try.

I feel like I am a decent guy. I am obviously not perfect and it would be ridiculous of me to expect that of myself. I do however, expect quite a bit of myself: A place to live, watering my plants, feeding and brushing my cat, keeping my place clean, making sure people feel comfortable in my home, being a great host, dong a good job at work, good hygiene, etc. To me, those are the basics in which I not only expect of myself, but of others as well. Maybe those expectations are too much to have for others. For me, it's not that difficult. I execute them pretty well. I do have O.C.D.

I try to be a good friend. I am available, when I can, for a friend to have someone to talk to. I give advice when it's asked and sometimes when it's not, but needed. I am loving to my friends, courteous to my acquaintances, and cordial to those I don't care much for. To those I have hurt, I keep myself away, as to not remind/hurt them anymore than I have. These are the basics for how I behave.

Emotionally, I am a bit reserved. It's difficult for me to talk about my emotions. I find it to be a bit awkward. Some people consider me “together” and others consider me a “prude”. I can see both in me, but I don't see either of those as general definitions of me. I am very emotional. I cry in almost every movie I watch. I cry listening to music. It's hard for me to express my emotions verbally, so a lot of the time I do through decorating, gardening, singing, cooking/baking etc. It's through action and deeds and gift giving that I express my love for friends and family and those that I love romantically.

When I am angry or upset, I don't know how to express those emotions, so I tend to get quiet, reserved and cold in features and gestures. I don't know how to express love, whether it be through touch or verbally. I wish I did. When I have tried to do that verbally, I feel the words to be without substance, even though they are the words I have been taught to use. With action, I feel I can better “show” someone I love them, or with a gift I can let them know they are on my mind.

I don't care much for aggressive or pushy people. I think that is because of my childhood. My father was pretty aggressive and intimidating. I always felt that every floor was made out of eggshells. When I left home, I made a promise to myself not to feel like that again and I simply avoid anyone who reminds me of that, or causes me to have that feeling.

I feel burdened around the weak in spirit. By that I mean those who always have something going wrong in there life, are always a victim, and always complaining about it. They rarely listen to any advise given, whether solicited or not, and then complain because they still have the same problems. Also in this category are those who are always bitching about the horrible people in their lives, especially when it's done in public format, like Facebook. I understand that some people feel loved by quality time, but it's frustrating because “happier” quality time has more... well, quality to it. It's less one sided emotionally if the topics are not so depressing, even if only one person is talking. I have the opinion, if someone or something in your life is causing you to feel unhappy or angry, and you can't overcome that, then remove it or them.

Granted, I see that I have some of these strong and week characteristics in my own personality. I am aware of them and I try my best to overcome them and not let them interfere in my relationships. I consider myself an open person. I try not to express any negative opinions and judgments of people. I can get along with almost everyone. I make friends with people and include them in my life. As much as I know how, I let people know I am a friend.

So, back to something being wrong with me. With me making these friendship and romantic gestures, why is it that all of my friendships tend to be one-sided? I have something like 300 people on my friends list on Facebook, and yet I rarely hear from any of them directly. I'll send text messages to many of them and will have a response back and forth for a few messages and then, that's it.

I guess what I am really complaining about is the quality of my friendships. I know some amazing people. No matter what their orientation or race or age, I know so many great people I care about. So I guess if I could have a question, it would be this: Why do I feel like I am a good person and a good friend, but then don't feel I have good friendships?

Could it be that I don't know how to express my emotions? Am I walking around and interacting with people as an emotionless shell? I mean, are people not feeling my emotions? Is that why I am so emotional, because I don't express them enough?